A Little Boat in the Ocean 🌬⛵️🌊

I am a bobbing little boat in an ocean raged by storms and waves larger than me. The insights and discipline of thought I've been practicing the last couple of months (reading Meditations, doing the right thing with M, learning to understand and not be ruled by my emotions, observing myself and others around me) have helped me build a strong little hull around my boat.

I'm not completely devastated and broken like I used to be when I was a Christian, but I still don't know where I am going. The waves toss and crash around me, yanking me from one spot to another; some engulf me and sink me temporarily, but I bob right back up. I'm surviving the storm, but I have no mobility. I can't go anywhere; every effort takes me a few yards, but then the next wave hits me and I've no control of where it takes me - sometimes several miles away from where I started.

This seems to me to be a crucial time in my life, where I need to get somewhere, quickly! I can't seem to do this with this storm raging around me; I can't seem to maneuver it. All I am able to do right now is endure it; to stay alive and over water. And that's what I'm doing now.

Now, as I bob around in this churning sea, I am more aware of the growth I need: emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. I am realizing that much of my storm is emotional - brought upon by my choices (largely at this time in regards to falling in love). I based my choices on my intuition; and I have no regrets. I wouldn't change any of the choices I made in regards to good ol' Madeline, regardless of the chaos it has brought me. I know I have done what is right, but I struggle everyday to keep doing it.

Doing the right thing isn't a one time choice, it'd be easy then. It's a constant battle and marathon, enduring the storms of temptations and selfishness. I realize that I'm struggling, and I'm not aware of anyone I can go to for help. For now, I am on my own but I long for company; someone to be with - a companion in this turbulent situation. These are wishful dreams, but they offer a vestige of hope and joy.

My emotional storm - I went to my old workplace last Friday and played some volleyball with the staff. My stomach was wrenching; I knew that she might show up anytime. I contemplated going home, leaving the situation before she showed up - I knew that I'd be challenged, that a storm would be due. However, I was determined to face it. I knew that seeing her would be tough, but I wanted it. I wanted to know I could brave it, and I wanted to know that I could live life without looking back and without regretting my choices constantly.

I wasn't wrong; the storm came. As she came by, I knew that the sky had filled with heavy clouds - it was on the horizon. I closed up my emotional outlets, put on the heaviest armor of stoic-ness I could manage, and braved it through. And I left, afterwards.

She seemed alright, happy and playful; yet guarded in my presence. I sensed she may be involved with Nick from observing their dynamic, but for the most part, she seemed happy and alright (hard to tell with her, being as guarded as she is). I struggled a bit with feelings of jealousy, but thinking back on my choices and the larger picture of things helped me greatly - I had promised her (and myself) that I wanted nothing from her, but for her to be blessed - and those around her. I reminded myself of this; those feelings of jealousy flitted away.

We spoke not a word to each other, and barely looked at each other. I sensed some discomfort from her, and I wished I had smiled, but I was focusing so much on my emotional gauntlet and armor that I couldn't bring myself to. I left, afterwards, and walked back to my car.

Slowly, over the next two days, I let myself feel the aftermath. The emotional storm came in waves; I felt as though I had bottled up the storm, and was dealing with letting it out, gulps at a time. That night, I went to Austin, shot some pool with Allan. During the later part of the night, I remember desiring that I just wanted to go home, be alone, and feel the pain. I didn't want to do it there; I wanted to be alone so it wouldn't affect anyone else. I realize that I dislike the idea of sharing emotional pain and negativity with others; it isn't pleasant. I remember how it was with Sam, Bobby and Jake - when they were hurting, I felt it. It was visceral. No one deserves that from me. It is not what I want to give the people I care about.

More stressors popped up - Sarah told me of problems with my hire at the school, I saw my older sister abuse the nephew I treasure, and I saw his behavior change from the last time I spoke with him. I lost my temper at Susan when she hit little Ronnie on Skype, and snapped at her and said abusive words to her. It took me effort to disconnect the call; take two minutes to recompose myself and manage my anger, and then call her back and apologize to her.



Earlier today, she called me on the phone. I was very harsh to her, and judgmental. I admonished her strongly for the bad example she set for her son, for her selfishness and lack of self-control, and told her to consider letting him live with his grandparents to avoid the emotional and psychological damage in his early years.

I realize that what I said hurt her, that I was judgmental and unfair to her, and very harsh and unforgiving. I don't want to justify my actions and approach, even though some of these observations seem true. My harsh approach was wrong, and I realize that it may have harmed my sister, rather than helping her by encouraging her. I want to apologize to her, but I know that it isn't enough. I am her brother, I love her and I love little Ronnie. I want to give her strength and encouragement so that she comes out of this negative situation stronger and a better person - for herself and her son. I don't know how, yet. I'm braving storms on my own; what can I give her that will help her brave hers?

There is so much evil; in me, and around me. I read an article today on the internet about a young girl's story of how her father molested her for several years as she grew up. He said he did it because he "loved her". It pained me to read this, and made my gut wrench.
I know that I can't judge and condemn evil in others, when I am so aware of evil's presence and seeds in me. It is a struggle everyday to starve these seeds; to not give in to watering them. Evil grows when we give in to the tiniest seeds of jealousy, lust, anger, pride, hate and selfishness. It seems small at first, but these seeds grow quickly into great poisonous trees that seem impossible to uproot. I wish seeds of good, kindness, love and unselfishness would grow as quickly as these weeds do. But they require careful nourishment, lots of watering, and constant focus and care. They grow ever slowly, while the weeds need a mere drop or spill of nourishment to quickly grow roots and thrive.

I am aware of evil within me; and I struggle so much with these seeds. Where do I draw my hope from? Where do I draw my strength from? Will I run out of energy and the desire to do what's right? Every minute of my being is the constant realization of actively fighting my nature of selfishness. I fail so many of these battles, and have to pick myself up again and start from ground zero. The battles of good are so much slower fought, plants that grow ever so slowly, and require so much care and attention. My nature is more inclined to the easy path; to do what is instantly fulfilling for me, even if it is wrong.

...

Dear Providence,

I need a friend. I need a mentor, someone who can show me what to do. Someone who has had these struggles, or is having them - and wants to share them with me, so that we may learn and fight together.

Let another little boat and I cross paths, someone who has and is bobbing through these storms of life with all they've got, and let me both enrich and learn from them. I am alone, and I could use some company.

Thanks bro.